The search for reason, answers and purpose continued. I knew I wanted to be an actor from the first time I held a script and stood on a stage, proclaiming the words of Benedict from William Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing” as a 6th grader. As soon as I turned 18 I got my first and only tattoo. Allow me to paint that image for you. Visualize, the classic comedy and tragedy drama masks, hand drawn by yours truly, accompanied by my last name “ROQUE” floating beneath in my own cursive font, black ink lines and shading. It’s clear I really loved theatre and held pride in my last name. With this everlasting mark, yes, located on my lower left back, it seemed that my trajectory was to attend a university, a privilege, to study theatre. It was intrinsic that I continue the momentum towards my goal of being a professional actor. I applied to a few esteemed programs, such as NYU Tisch, Cal Arts and the USC School of Theatre. I was not accepted into any of those universities or programs so it was between my two “back-up” schools, San Francisco State University or California State University, Fullerton. I knew I wanted to build and grow my independence a little bit further away from home, so I chose California State University, Fullerton, Home of the Titans.
And now, before we go any further, a little aside on the rejection portion of it all. I believe every time I opened a letter from a university reading “thank you but no thank you,” I felt that voice again, saying, “see, you’ll never be good enough.” This signified a pivotal moment in my life that hit on the reinforcement of my own unhelpful narratives.
That voice.
That voice of feeling inferior or inadequate was strengthening. Honestly, I feel as if that thought began forming when I was 5 or 6 years old. I was often punished, I mean rightfully so, for being disrespectful and for any behavior my parents deemed bad. I often felt trapped in these bouts of absolutes, as though everything I did was wrong. I also felt wrong, like not right in my core, inside, so I placed this pressure on myself to be as perfect as possible, to be the best and even in doing that I always felt like I was coming up short, failing or was behind, not ahead.
For me, I framed college as an opportunity to start fresh. In my head and in my heart, I ultimately decided to end the turbulent and complicated relationship with EM who still had her Senior year to complete. I coached myself around naming that I did not want to feel “tied down”, I wanted to feel free while away at school.
I quickly found out that EM on the other hand did not want to end things.
I like to believe that I tried to understand her perspective, coming up with, “of course, she feels that way, she has been with me through so much. Stood by my side through every moment of panic and uncertainty. It makes sense that she doesn’t want to just give up on everything we’ve built.”
However, to be clear, at the age of 16, 17, 18 we were not very mindful of how we were affecting each other, let alone, mindful of the way we spoke to each other. I’m not sure of the development around our abilities to unpack deeper thoughts and communicate our feelings effectively.
As I reflect, perhaps it was that she felt hopeful and determined but I felt burnt out, afraid, still ashamed, confused and exhausted. I find it fascinating that I always prioritized her whenever I could.
I didn’t want to lose her.
I chose to go above and beyond for her but not necessarily in the healthiest of ways.
I didn’t want to lose her.
I showed my affection through romantic gestures and showering her with expensive gifts, and like what world was I living in, where a high schooler had such riches to spoil their partner???
Anyways, here is an example of what I mean by always prioritizing her — If she wanted to see me, I would drop whatever I was doing and I would go see her. Period. Was I dependent? Yes. I was.
Well, there was one night, shortly after my high-school graduation, where she came over and we sat outside on a curb nearby. I psyched myself up for this conversation because, essentially, I was about to break up with EM. My reasons consisted of thinking it best to just let go of each other and move on, since I was going off to college and she still had one more year of high school left.
To my surprise, she did not agree. Through teary eyes she communicated that I was just giving up on everything that we had worked so hard to have and maintain.
Okay? Well, I didn’t see it that way, I didn’t think I was giving up, but I certainly didn’t like hearing that. So, I quickly changed course and said, “you’re right. I don’t want to give up.” Because I didn’t want to feel like a failure, hurt or disappoint her, and so I ignored whatever gut instinct I had to go away for college not in a relationship, resulting in the abandonment of my own opinions and desires, to strictly give her what I thought she wanted.
And so, the decision to stay with each other, in a long-distance relationship, much to my demise, was settled.